escape

You are inescapable
Every corner I turn and day I awake
You are there
On my mind, in my heart
strangling my soul with
your existence
You are inescapable
I long for you
I long to forget you
I never want to live without you
I can’t live my life with you in it and not with me...

I get close where thoughts lapse,
lessen their intensity and I begin to escape
The grip you have on my heart
then you appear
in my life again
in my dreams again
then you appear and my heart fills up again
I feel safe again
I can breath again
and there you are, strangling my soul again
with your inescapable existence.

October 2011

Sinkhole

Learning how to "like" again is a tough sell...

I don’t understand how to do this thing called “like”
I know hurt.
I know need.
I know lust.
I know love. I think.
I don’t know like.

I feel it...seems to go straight to the corner of Love and Hurt.
How do I find Like and stay there for awhile.
I want to hang out at the coffee shop at the corner of Like and Easy.
Where’s the map? I’m searching for the dropped pin.
Google connects me to Pinterest. Really, Google?

He says to live in the moment.
She says to take it day by day.
What do I do with the Crazy in my head who is stranded at Love and Hurt.
She second-guesses, questions, distrusts, lies and teases.
Crazy keeps me safe from Hurt and blocked from Love -
She is the fence around the sinkhole of my story.

Crazy is at the corner of Love and Hurt.
Me, I’m trying to find the intersection of Like and Easy.
And, right now, I’m a little lost by the sinkhole down the street.

September 21, 2012

If our energy, in fact, has color. Today I am shadowed charcoal...barely a color at all.

tumultuous rolling of anxiety
fear of not being able to turn back the clock
minute hands crawl forward to remind me
decisions were made
actions were done
consequences are endless
hands crawl more slowly

only in time will effects unfurl
the ripples of the butterfly's wings
upon the breeze
having lasting effects upon us all
as our crawling hands grasp for...what?
forgiveness?
second chances?
more time? or less?

wishing away the hands of time
if not backwards
then forwards, faster
decisions, actions, consequences are
for a reason? part of a master plan?
What to learn, in time?
Hands reaching for a final moment.
Slipping away, losing the grip,
release

When I’m anxious or antsy I am uncomfortable in my own skin. I force myself to stop and think, reflect. What is going on? How am I feeling, exactly? What is the force underneath the electricity that is firing through my system?

Today...

I’m not breathing. Not enough.
I’m holding my breath
waiting for you
to reach out to me

you are my oxygen
my tree
the limbs and leaves
of what protects me
from being alone.

I don’t want to need you
I don’t want to love you
I don’t want to feel your absence

I want to breathe, freely
I want to feel you, daily
I want to love you, fully

you are my air
my deep breath
my slow exhale

something to look forward to...

You

the beat of my heart quickens
the thought of meeting you
you
who made me laugh
until my cheeks hurt
who looked me in the eyes
until I was seen
you
weren't going to call
to be seen by you
to laugh with you

your sincerity, kindness
is palpable
your energy, chemistry
is uplifting
you
no expectations
no complexity
easy, simple, real
you
called

Junk Food & Coffee

I wrote this in 2008 sitting outside at a local coffee shop. I spent more time people watching than actually getting my work done...I was very distracted.

Junk Food

The fat guy eats Doritos from CVS and drinks the free water from the overpriced coffee house.

He fiddles with his phone thinking searching for someone to connect with … there is no ring on his finger, no spouse?
How does the ring make a marriage?
Does there have to be a baby in the carriage?
It’s all such a sham, such a glorious, beautiful lie.
Perfect on the outside and inside only cries.
A sensational lie, a perfect portrait.
First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby carriage.
The fat guy eating Doritos doesn’t need a kid, he needs to go for a run, then find love, then marriage, then maybe...a baby.
Are we not selfish enough? Are we too selfish.
Why is it that this marriage thing doesn’t work?
Too selfish to truly love, unconditionally.
Not selfish enough & get lost in the relationship and lose the self that makes half of the whole.
the ring does not make the marriage.
The promise? The contract?
How about the actions, the everyday, the everything else?
What matters anymore in this world of love?
Feeling good? Beautiful? Appreciated? Adored? Protected?
Bullshit, really, all of it.
I think I want some Doritos.

vulnerability feels like this...

Unfurl

I am unfurled by you.
Petals of my tight bud of life, unlived
loosen, lighten, open
unfurl into a blossom
beautiful
My God, so breathtakingly beautiful
I am blinded by the saltwater tears
of relief, freedom, of vulnerability
suffocating from losing my breath
losing my breath so I can catch it again
for the first time, breathing
inhaling you, filling my lungs with you
and exhaling an impressive chrysalis that held me close
gracefully unfurling my wings to you

9/17/12

It is time.
Time to breathe - outward.
Letting it go - forward.
Time to stop holding my breath in waiting.
Emplosion is devastating.
Going nowhere might be worse
Then going back where I was before.
So, here goes....
It is time to start writing,
to live presently,
to breathe.